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November 12, 2010 at 3:24 AM | By: Nicole

Snippets of my life

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie walked past the pantry and heard a knock from the inside-- "Mom! It's me, Norah! I'm stuck in the closet!" Me: "Did you sneak in there to eat Halloween candy?" "Yes!" I think it was her utter lack of repentance that made me sit down with a soda while I considered whether or not to let her out. (11-10-10)


Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I taught Jacob some of the finer points of alphabetical order last night while doing homework. It was such a special moment, like teaching him my craft. Yes, I was born to be a librarian. And wow, that's pretty lame. :)

November 5 at 10:22am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Me: "Dear Professor Helpy McHelperson: I got three questions wrong on the test and I don't know which ones, or why. I had some trouble with X concept. Can you help me?" Professor McHelperson: "No. I don't give out test answers and I can't tell you which ones you got wrong. Please study before you take the test." Huh, I guess I wish I had thought of that.

November 1 at 9:39am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie After seeing our friends' Halloween decorations, Jacob came up with this gem: "Mom, maybe when Wyatt poops in his diaper and you put it in a Target bag, we could draw a face on it and hang it outside like a ghost!"

October 30 at 2:23pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Norah: "Look! I see the Magic Schoolbus!" (points to regular schoolbus). Jacob: "Norah, that is not the Magic Schoolbus. The Magic Schoolbus is a work of fiction, which means it does not have data or facts and is not real. Besides, I don't see Miss Frizzle."

October 28 at 8:21am 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie In one of my new classes, it's required that I respond to at least one other student's discussion board post. I am having difficulty after reading at least a dozen posts and having only the impulse to respond, "What you have just written is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever read, except maybe for the guy that posted right before you".

October 26 at 6:12pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Final Cultural Anthropology grade: 108.9%. Sort of makes that 95 in Brit Lit look like I was slacking a little. Boom!

October 24 at 12:26pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Tom asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said I wanted a house elf. He laughed at me, and now I'm sad because I don't think I'm going to get one.

October 21 at 9:37am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie After watching too many episodes of The X-Files last night, I was convinced in my sleepy haze that my alarm clock was possessed this morning because the snooze button refused to make the alarm stop. I was even more freaked out when I jumped out of bed and unplugged the thing, only to continue hearing it... turns out I had set my cell phone alarm instead. Thanks anyway Mulder, you're free to go.

October 11 at 8:10am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Performed a mullet-ectomy on Wyatt yesterday, and after my initial freakout over cutting off his baby hairs I have to admit that he is a handsome little critter.

October 8 at 9:30am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie You might be a Pogatchnik if you find yourself saying things like, "Don't pull out the dog's hair! I just vacuumed!"

October 5 at 10:27am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie If you are interested in reading a weird, creepy poem, I would recommend "Goblin Market" by Christina Rossetti. Spoiler: The goblins aren't the unsettling part. Ugh.



Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Norah's latest, greatest justification for everything she wants to do that I tell her not to: "BUT I LOVE IT!" as in, "Norah, no more TV." "BUT I LOVE IT!" "Norah, don't hit your brother." "BUT I LOVE IT!" "Norah, stop making that noise/smearing food in your hair/screaming/licking everything." "BUT I LOVE IT!" "Norah, stop crying." "BUT I LOVE IT!"

October 1 at 9:59am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Sometimes I look at my house on Monday morning and think, "man, it looks like there was an AWESOME party here this weekend!" But there was no party. No party at all.

September 27 at 8:16am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Smelled a candle at the Hobby Lobby with the name "Hemingway". If you expected, as I did, that it would smell like cigarettes, leather, and depression with a faint whiff of old man B.O., then you'd be right.

September 25 at 2:53pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Wyatt is extremely angry about his inability to tap dance in high heels. Maybe if I give him the pink feather boa he'll feel better...

September 24 at 9:31am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Me: "Norah, don't blow out my candle. It smells good-- smell it." Norah, exhaling onto the candle: "Mmm, Mom, it smells like cat poop."

September 23 at 9:16am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Brynn: "I'm growing boobs, you know". Me: "Right this minute?" Brynn, with the most disdainful look imaginable from a four-year-old: "Of course."

September 23 at 9:15am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Jacob: "Wow, mom, you have a lot of cookbooks! When I grow up and you move to a different house, will you leave some of the cookbooks here so I can learn to cook?"

September 22 at 5:36pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Another day spent experiencing the exotic life of "La Madre": repairing toilet mechanisms, searching for rancid-milk sippy cups under the couch, cleaning milk barf and mandarin orange poop off Wyatt, scrubbing boogers off the wall. You don't have to tell me about your envy... I'll just know.

September 21 at 8:33pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie A dinner conversation about what it means to be "free"-- Jacob: " It means you get to do whatever you want, except for when you follow rules. And you get electrics and stuff." Me: "Do you mean elections?" J: "No, electrics, like ovens." M: "I think people who aren't free still have ovens." J: "Yeah, but not the electric kind. They have to put wood in it. And cook beans in a pot."

September 11 at 12:56pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie ‎"Mom, you're the best mom ever!" "Thanks, Jacob!" "Yeah, but sometimes you're kind of creepy. And tricky." "Thanks, Jacob." *sigh*

September 10 at 9:29am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Jacob: "What's Labor Day?" Me: "It's a day to celebrate working... uh, by taking the day off." Jacob: "So everyone gets the day off?" Me, being a smartass: "I don't get the day off." Jacob, being my son: "Right. Because you don't do any work." Later we will be discussing both this article and the many roles of SAHMs.



Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Jake's homework was kind of difficult tonight. Maybe next time I'll make him do it himself.

August 24 at 8:32pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Let my kids go nuts with PBS today, and walked into the living room to see Jacob and Brynn exercising along with "Sit and be Fit". Who says TV makes you a vegetable?

August 19 at 1:58pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie What's more fun than waking up to the sound of your child throwing up? Waking up to find that she's doing it in your bed.

August 17 at 9:32am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie has been forced to break out the truly evil punishments-- "You WILL kneel on your hands. And it WILL hurt." Ten days till school starts...

August 13 at 9:49am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie This morning, between flicking the "brew" switch and the little beeps telling me the coffee was done, I was confronted with a poop mess of biblical proportions. Fifty minutes and some serious errors in judgement later, I am finally sitting down with my coffee in my favorite Mike Rowe coffee mug. I have closed the bathroom door and I am waiting for the mess to just... go away.

August 12 at 10:00am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie wonders if I can pack just a few more things into the few weeks before school starts... why yes, I have plenty of time for that sinus infection and Nonah to gimp up her foot. That should make school shopping extra fun, and goodness knows I love me some fun.

August 9 at 10:08pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie So... 5446 miles traveled with 87 hours in the minivan, two weddings, one camping trip, countless restaurants, many playdates and visits with seldom-seen friends and family, too many beds that were not my own, tons of phone calls to my kids who were away for four weeks, and hundreds of pictures taken over the course of six weeks.... and vacation 2010 is OVER!

August 2 at 11:07pmNicole Pogatchnik Beattie 
Oh, I forgot the mileage/hours to San Antonio! Ummm... add 5 hours and 300 miles. Oh, and the trip to Rogers and back for LM's wedding, which is two hours and 80 miles... I also didn't figure "in town" mileage and hours, since there is no way of recording the obscene amount of time I spent sitting in Minneapolis traffic or the miles added by my rather indirect style of driving. In terms of activities...the trip to San Antonio was for an awesome day at Sea World, there was a rather busy grocery shopping day in Eagan for a wedding shower (thrown by yours truly), shopping for camping equipment both in Killeen and once we got to Brainerd, a scenic trip around Gull Lake and then a scenic trip on Pelican Lake, what felt like thirty trips (maybe more like 6 or 7) between Farmington and SSP, a family picnic, a Middle Eastern Festival, the hours spent attempting to be crafty with shower invitations and centerpieces, as well as the many, MANY hours spent painting and decorating a dollhouse for the girls...not a complete list, but you get the idea. I had kind of a busy summer.

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie is back from 3 days of Brainerd camping with Tom... next time I think I might stay a week :)

July 30 at 9:38amNicole Pogatchnik Beattie It was without kids, and it was fabulous. I really enjoyed camping-- it even rained the first day, and I didn't care. We stayed in the tent ;) The kids stayed with their grandparents, Tom did in fact cook over the campfire, and Amy-- as we rolled into Brainerd I said, "Amy and Ryan live here now... I have no idea where." We had a lot of fun-- I'll put up pictures when I get back to TX.
July 30 at 8:34pm


Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Meeting my new advisor to register for classes: She explains that I will need a skills assessment test and a degree plan. I explain that I am not getting a degree with them, just taking classes to raise my GPA and enter a Master's program. She seems confused (despite having my application in front of her) and asks, "Have you had any English?"

July 15 at 5:16pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie It doesn't matter how many times I see that Sarah Mclachlan ASPCA commercial, it always makes me weepy. Darn those one-eyed dogs and fluffy little kittens.

June 20 at 8:24pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie spent a super fun afternoon with Aiden and Erin Gross (Nick too)... it was so fun to watch Aiden and Wyatt exchange their baby 'skillz'. I would also like to mention that I have some of the coolest friends ever. Just sayin'.

June 17 at 5:00pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Took Jacob to his first Twins game last night at the impressive new field, and today my little man is 6 years old!

June 16 at 8:03am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Today is mega-baby day: Wyatt Earp, Tommy Pickles, and Benjamin Button all playing together!

June 15 at 10:02am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Did someone's grandmother just pass through my kitchen? 'Cause there's a rinsed out ziploc bag drying on my faucet handle...

June 11 at 11:09pm 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Just to fulfill all the promise of the nightmare ballet season from hell, I managed to get in a fight with a ballet dad at rehearsal today... I'm calling it quits for the summer, folks, and frankly sometimes I wonder why I even leave the house.

June 11 at 4:12pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Fell asleep on the couch, and woke up to discover I had drooled all over the place. Fell back asleep, woke up an hour later to find myself surrounded by little wipies. Ah, how quickly the roles reverse and our children are wiping up the drool of their parents...

June 5 at 4:44pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Today Jacob graduated Kindergarten and lost his first tooth. He asked me about a dozen times if I was proud of him... OF COURSE!!! He assumed that meant that he was entitled to watch whatever he wanted on TV and eat cookies for dinner and was unfortunately mistaken. But proud? You betcha!

June 5 at 1:21am 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Today is Brynn's 4th birthday party-- dressing like princesses, making jewelry, and drinking pink princess punch are all on the agenda. It's also the beginning of "birthday season"-- four birthdays in five weeks!

May 30 at 12:12pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Ten months old and Wyatt is walking! He also crushed a light bulb yesterday with his bare hand. I think he may have superpowers, so I'm pretty excited about that.

May 21 at 9:05am 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie wishes bedtime was a little more "stories and hugs, rainbows and unicorns" and a little less "getoutofmyfacerightnowIcan'tlookatyouforonemoresecond".

May 11 at 8:35pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Rolled over at 2am to see a 3 foot tall bat flapping its wings next to my bed... wait, it was just Bean, waving her blanket back and forth. When I yelped, she whispered that she had "come for the ball"... then proceeded to lie down on the floor and whisper to herself until she fell asleep. Not creepy at all...

April 30 at 8:02am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Wyatt is sprouting little blond curls all over his head, and yesterday he clapped for falafel. Where has this guy been all my life??

April 29 at 11:10pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I just heard the song "Caress Me Down" by Sublime, which reminds me of 11th grade spanish and the time I asked Mr. Nonnemacher what the word "nalgas" meant. The mental image of a 60 year old man explaining to a 16 year old girl that the word means "buttcheeks" still brings a smile to my face. Oh, Bud. Hee hee.

April 21 at 3:55pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Listening to Jacob reading out loud tonight, carefully (and slooowly) sounding out every word: "Now I go to school and have teachers and cubbies and naptime and cigarettes". (me) "What?" (Jake) "ss-eh-cuh-reh-teh-ss" (me) "Not cigarettes! SECRETS!"

April 19 at 10:32pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I am studying math and listening to Loveline... I believe I may have timewarped into 1997. Someone please rescue me??

April 18 at 10:02pm 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Nicole, randomly: "I think I'm going to take the GRE next month." Tom: "Don't you want more time to study?" Nicole, arrogantly: "What for?"..... (ten minutes later).... Nicole, panicking: "Did you know there's MATH on this thing??" Tom: "Ya think?"

April 17 at 12:29pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I have decided to create a series of children's books, titled "Horrible Norah". You may place your pre-orders now, as the stories are writing themselves.

April 14 at 1:16pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I'm tired of cleaning my house. Every day, I clean my house, and every night before I go to bed I am depressed by what a disaster it is. Maybe if I skip step 1 I will eliminate step 2. Of course, then I would have the bogey step of "running from mutant dog fur coalitions" and "breaking multiple toes on toys"... I'm in deciding mode right now.

April 13 at 8:27am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I would like a job. Not just any job... one where I get to do what I want, when I want, from my home. Ideally this job starts at about $20/hr, but I will demand more once you get a taste of my awesomeness. Surprisingly, I am having a hard time locating this job... AND I couldn't fit this thought into a Haiku. No wonder I'm unemployed.

March 31 at 9:22am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Scratching late at night / You do not bury your poop / What do you search for?

March 29 at 10:19pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I'm really into the haikus now. I figure I'm about two sleepless nights away from starting a Fight Club.

March 29 at 7:41am  ·  · 

  • Heather Rodriguez likes this.

    • Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Monday is just wrong
      Bottom of the coffee jar
      Oddly mismatched beans
      March 29 at 7:42am · 

    • Jessica Turner-Moreau Nicole you're breaking the first rule of Haiku Club.....we don't talk about Haiku Club........
      March 29 at 12:09pm · 

    • Lorie Haddad 
      Thankful for Facebook
      Connecting across the miles
      Lotsa Pogatchniks.
      : )


      I wonder if that was the first time "Pogatchnik" was ever used in a Haiku?

      March 29 at 5:43pm




Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Today's Haiku: What a sad mistake/ Neosporin on my face /Tragic Eraser

March 28 at 3:15pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Jacob's reading is improving so much! He still misses a few things though, which is why he declared to Brynn this afternoon that the name of "that restaurant there is Jack in the Butt".

March 27 at 2:02p

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I burned my face with a Magic Eraser. How? Why? It doesn't matter. I'm old enough to know better.

March 26 at 6:21pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I overslept and caused Jake to miss the bus for the second day in a row. This morning I was having a dream that Prince William took me on a hot date-- to the Burger King.

March 25 at 9:02am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Drunk History is my new favorite thing to watch when I need a laugh. Normally, I do not find drunk people entertaining. But intoxicated interpretations of history? With celebrities? Genious.

Drunk History 4 - Featuring Paul Schneider
William Henry Harrison, our ninth president, was sixty eight years old when he was elected. He died thirty days later. Derek Waters presents: Drunk History vol. 4

March 24 at 7:39pm via Funny or Die Connect





Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie October 2008: I move into my house. March 2010: I discover a button on my stove that says "Automatic Clean". I have pressed it. This is an addendum to January 2010: I discover that my microwave has fancy settings for defrosting meat, poultry, and fish. I wonder what other kinds of excruciatingly obvious things I have missed...

March 24 at 6:50pm 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Day one: Plant plants. Day two: Dogs eat plants. I keep reading that oleanders (which I love and want to put in my yard) are very poisonous and should not be planted in yards with kids or dogs. My kids are smart enough not to eat shrubberies... and guess who I'm not too worried about today?

March 24 at 10:55am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Weird things I've said today: "It's the census, just be glad you don't have to ride to Bethlehem on a donkey to do it." "You'd feel bad if the puppies were made into coats because you told your dogs to shut up." "Let me smell your teeth."

March 16 at 8:05pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie moved Wyatt out of my room and he slept for 12 hours last night... we're also beginning the weaning process. I'm not sure who's more traumatized, him or me, but I do know who's sleeping better :)

March 8 at 8:21am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie This morning's breakfast question: "Mom, do other planets have opportunities?"

March 3 at 7:14am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Wyatt has officially gone from "boobie friend" to "boobie monster"... I appreciate that he does not want to suck his thumb now that he has teeth. I do not appreciate being the subsititute.

March 2 at 7:57pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie ‎"Mickey Doodle went to town/Riding on a pony/Stuck a feather in his pants/And called it macaronies... and you are not it. I pick ME"

February 26 at 12:30pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I sent my son to school today wearing brown corduroys and a navy blue shirt. He came out wearing them at the last minute, and I didn't have the energy to decide whether the orange shirt looked better or worse, so I let him go. Then I realized that I almost kind of liked the way it looked... reminded me of those hippie kids in high school who were too cool to care.

February 25 at 8:12am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie It's snowing, a heavy, big flake, lovely snow. I mean, if you're going to have snow in TX at the end of February, it's lovely. Also, Jacob used the word "scurried" correctly in a sentence this morning. I got $110 in the mail for editing services rendered, plus someone else's Netflix. It's a typical kind of day :)

February 23 at 8:59am

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Yesterday, I sat outside all afternoon in the 70 degree sunshine. Tomorrow's forecast? Mid 30s, with 4-6 inches of snow. Are you kidding me?

February 22 

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie From the "Norah will eat anything" files: Glycerin suppositories. I don't think she swallowed the whole thing, since I found one chewed up in the hallway. Still, I'm afraid of the next few diaper changes. I don't know how many were in there to begin with, but there's only three left...

February 22 at 1:06pm

Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Friday night, I'm tired, and I want to curl up in my bed watching a movie. Instead, I have four crabby kids really needing baths, I overflowed the washing machine and haven't had time to clean it up while making/supervising/cleaning up dinner, I need to run to the store tonight because a very full day starts at 8:30 tomorrow... and my husband is not home, meaning he's probably out having a beer with the guys. Blerg

February 19 at 7:09pm  ·  · 

    • Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Oh-- and I didn't even mention all the other awesome things that went on today, like Jacob telling me he had a tummyache and then sharting in his pants, or having to Furminate Wyatt after I Furminated the cat because he went rolling through the pile of cat hair as I was trying to clean it up, or the fact that my whole body hurts like a mofo because I thought I could do two hours worth of WiiFit yesterday. The rest of my week really went quite smoothly, so I suppose everything that could go wrong had to be smooshed into one day!
      February 19 at 9:58pm 


      Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I'm not sure why explaining the Olympics to Jacob led to a conversation about why everyone has to die, even Chinese people. It was easier to trace the origins of the tangent about how Native Americans go to the grocery store just like everyone else.

      February 12 at 8:56pm  ·  · 

      • Heather Rodriguez and Lorie Haddad like this.

        • Kathy Haddad Do you believe in reincarnation? Perhaps Jacob is a former official in the PROC... :-)
          February 12 at 9:05pm · 

        • Katie Dohman OMG. OMG.
          February 12 at 9:24pm · 

        • Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie Hm, his favorite color is red. Should I worry?
          February 12 at 10:03pm · 

        • Tanna T Hahaha!
          February 13 at 5:28am · 

        • Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie I figured it out this morning... Jacob was telling me about how Monday is President's Day... then, Bob Costas mentioned Barack Obama's name... which logically prompted my son to ask, "when is Orock Obama going to die?" Maybe I should be worried that he is a budding Republican.
          February 13 at 8:14am · 

        • Lorie Haddad It would be the ultimate rebellion for him. Maybe you have a little Alex P Keaton on your hands. BTW - were you old enough to remember Family Ties?
          February 13 at 8:28am · 

        • Erin Gross I love your kid stories!
          February 13 at 9:18am · 





      Nicole Pogatchnik Beattie A misplaced comma can completely change the meaning of what you are saying. Please, stop abusing commas now. Together we can make it happen... oh, and madam? Your modifier is dangling.

      February 9 at 1:34pm


        

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