Tom: "Shit."
Me: "Don't be an ass."
Tom: "No, seriously. I think they store shit in that barn."
Me: "Oh. That explains a lot about the smell."
Me: "So I thought the Germans were just being assbags, always giving me those frickin' 1 and 2 euro coins instead of paper bills. Then I realized today that they don't have paper bills for 1 or 2 euros."
Tom: "Babe... we've been here for five months and you just noticed this now?"
Me: "Yeah, well, in America people only give you dollar coins because they're assbags. I assumed they knew that, I guess."
Tom: *sigh* "I love you, but..."
Me: "But what?"
Tom: "... but nothing. So now you see why they wear those fannypacks, right? All those coins are heavy."
Me: "There's no excuse for fannypacks."
Me: "Wouldn't I be much prettier if I had a nice nose like everyone else instead of this big bumpy one?"
Tom: "I don't think it would make any difference."
Me: "I hope that came out wrong."
Me: "Wyatt took three dumps on the patio today."
Tom: "Hahahahahha!"
Me: "He used your grill brush to try and hide it."
Tom: *censored*
Me: "Wyatt got into the candy and left a trail of turds and half chewed candy through our room."
Tom: "Hahahahaha!"
Me: "He stuffed a Mike&Ike into the laptop's USB port."
Tom: *censored*
Me: Don't you ever wish that you had married a normal wife, who didn't suffer from crippling depressive phases and was happy all the time?
Tom: But I married you.
Me: That's not what I asked... wouldn't it be nice to have a normal wife?
Tom: But I married you.
[During a lengthy conversation with Jacob about the ecology of the North Pole and what can live and grow there]
Jacob: ... and penguins, and polar bears, and trees...
Brynn, from the back seat: And Santa lives there! Santa and God. God lives at the North Pole. And elves!
Me: Polar bears, yes, but I don't know about penguins. And there are no trees. Maybe some indigenous elves.
Jacob: Evergreens can grow pretty much anywhere, even if it's cold.
Me: But they don't grow there, because the ground never thaws and the seeds can't take root. Also the North Pole is made of ice caps and not land mass.
Brynn, rolling her eyes: The trees are made of candy canes.
Email love note: "I don't know if you want to stop at the PX on the way home to check and see if they have those little foldy strollers. I don't remember ever seeing them, so we'll probably end up with the sucky one. Also, we might need a new printer. I was trying to plug everything back in with the extension cord and the transformer and I might have plugged the printer into the wrong place. I can't say for sure that it's destroyed... once it stops smoking I can bring it back in the house and try it, I guess."
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