Driving Privileges and the people who abuse them

I think people would do well to remember that driving is a privilege, not a right. I am pretty sure that in the Bill of Rights, it does not state anywhere, "Thou hast the right to drive thy buggy at reckless speeds weaving in and out only to stop at the same red light as everyone else and then attempt to make a left from the right lane". I mean, I don't have it memorized, but that doesn't ring a bell. Everyone has their moment on the road where they realize they have made a faux pas, causing someone else inconvenience. This one, though, goes out to the serial offenders.



1. The BFLFs. This stands for "Big Fat Lazy Fucks", and if you know how very infrequently I drop the f-bomb you will understand how this one annoys me. Recent example: Target parking lot, 1pm. BFLF in a SUV of some sort sees a parking spot is about to become available. Or does he? No, what he sees is a lady with a couple kids in her very full cart heading toward her car. So this dude follows her to her car, parks in the middle of the lane, and waits for her to unload kids and purchases, return her cart, get in the car, and pull out. Meanwhile, I have driven around said BFLF and parked in a spot—no kidding—four spaces down, gotten out of my car, walked past BFLF and given him a dirty look and gotten all the way to the entrance before I see that the woman has finally pulled out. I'd like to say this was the first time I have seen such rudeness, but it happens all the freakin time. I have actually sat in my car in the parking lot doing nothing but waiting to see how long someone will wait for me to pull out. Apparently BFLFs find a semi-close parking spot more important than their actual shopping, because they will wait a really long time.



2. The Handicapped. Bear with me, I'm kind of a fascist on this one. My angle here is that if you are so disabled you require a permanent handicapped license plate, you should not be driving. What if it's just a heart condition or something, Tom said to me once. Hell no! The last thing I need is for you to get all kerfuffled by some other crappy driver and have your weak valve finally give way in the middle of the road. Take a cab. Or if you're missing an arm? Well, Fascist Nicole thinks that's not really safe either, but since you insist on driving… why do you need that closer parking spot? Your legs are fine. Or you, Ms. Legally Blind. Uh-uh. You can't see me flipping you the bird for cutting me off, but I'm doing it. My biggest gripe with the Handicapped plates and tags is that the majority of the people that have them appear to be merely old or really fat. Apparently all they had to do was go to their doctor and say, "Good Dr., I am old and too feeble to walk from a regular spot into the store. Once I am in there, I will have no problem taking my sweet ass time in the middle of the aisle trying to choose macaroni noodles like I haven't been doing it for 70 years. Can I have a Handicapped plate?" Or, "Dr dear, I have nothing wrong with me other than I am obscenely overweight, and I am too lazy to park in a regular spot and walk myself to the motorized cart at the front of the store. Can I have a Handicapped plate?" No, these people should have their licenses revoked as soon as they bring that doctor's note down to the DMV. If you are so cripply you can't park in a regular spot ever again, I don't want to be on the road with you.



3. Speed Limit Misinterpreters. Here's a couple of scenarios for you: You're driving down a road with a speed limit of 45mph. You are driving 45mph. You see a police officer turn onto the road next to you. Do you a) continue driving 45mph because that is the legal speed limit and you were doing nothing wrong? Or b) slam on the brakes as hard as you can because cops will pull you over if you are doing anything closer to the limit than 5 under? Here's another one: You are driving down a residential with a speed limit if 15mph. Suddenly, you enter a school zone, also with a limit of 15mph. Do you a) keep driving 15, because the speed limits in the two areas are the same? or, b) slow down to 10 because speed limits are lower in school zones? Finally: You are driving on the freeway, where the speed limit is 70mph. You would like to drive faster than that, maybe 82. Do you a) choose to drive in the wide open left lane, traditionally designated for faster drivers? Or b) in the right lane, tailing someone who *only* wants to drive 75?



Feel free to add your own categories to this example of the abuse of our great American privileges. And keep in mind that no matter how much of a hurry you think you're in, when you zoom past me at top speed only to be parked next to me at the next red light… you still look like an idiot.