In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been gone for a really long time. Lots of people now know where I was and why I was there, but then again, lots of people do not. I just got back from 10 weeks in the Great White North, better known as MN and ND. I spent six weeks with my parents and four weeks with Tom’s family while working through what I can only call an exhilarating ride through post-partum depression. I say exhilarating because it was pretty crazy and unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. There’s so many things I could say about what I’ve learned in the last few months about myself, my family, and what I want out of life... but I’ll narrow it down (I’d hate to be too wordy).
A friend that I got together with recently went through a life situation that she described as "humbling". I thought that was the perfect word to describe one of the things I have felt coming out of the other end of this adventure. I have, in case you haven’t noticed, always been just the teensiest bit prideful about the way I raise my kids. Not that I think that my kids are better than other people’s (well, not most people’s) but like many parents, I felt like the way I was doing things was the best way possible and I was rather quick to judge what other people were doing with their kids. Enter Nicole on the PPD (as we will now refer to post-partum issues), who is completely unable to care for her children on her own. Not only could I not take care of any of them as well as I knew they deserved, I could barely be in the same room with them. The baby, who is a rather fussy little thing, would cry and cry. Normal Nicole would not think twice about this. PPD Nicole would freak out and not know what to do. So when you get to the point where you can’t be around your own children and have to move back in with your mother... all I’m saying is that is a humbling experience.
Along with being appropriately humbled, I also like to think maybe I have a little bit more understanding and compassion for the people that are doing the things I used to judge. For instance, I was the anti-co-sleeper. Never, I said pridefully, would I allow my baby to sleep with me. That is wrong, and it will be impossible to get the kid out of my bed. Now? Yes, I have a baby I can’t get out of my bed. But it’s easier that way, I can nurse while I sleep. And you know what? I don’t care who thinks it’s wrong. It’s something that helps keep me sane. And having had a few too many Britney Spears days in recent months, I will do whatever it takes to keep myself un-crazy. So now, instead of judging what all those other parents are doing when they say, "my kid eats oatmeal three times a day," "I need a nanny even when I’m home," or "I don’t make my kids get dressed if they don’t want to," I think to myself, that is what keeps those parents sane. They should keep doing it.
The other thing I’d like to mention is that I have learned to be thankful for so much more than I ever was before. There is a lot in my life that I have taken for granted, but when you have family that will drop everything to help you when you need it, a husband who is supportive of you leaving without knowing when you’ll be back, the freedom and financial stability to do what you want to do, and kids who are healthy and whole... well, let’s just say there are a lot of things that I think about now that I didn’t before.
Finally, a word on the PPD itself. It is not easy to talk about it, let me tell you. Who wants to admit, even to themselves, that they are mentally unstable? I know in my head that there is no shame in this, but that doesn’t make it easier to stand up and say, hey y’all, I’m crazy and I can’t stand my kids. No one wants to say that, ever. But just a few days ago, all the feelings of crazy and being overwhelmed and actually admitting it and getting help that I went through allowed Tom to help someone else who was in the same situation. Sometimes, all it takes is someone to show that they understand and aren’t judging you for what you’re feeling. So, a big thanks to all of those people who did that for me, especially my mother in law, who upfront told me I was not quite right and needed medication. Holla!
(Bekki, I hope this answers some of your questions... yes I know I’m a terrible friend.)
0 comments:
Post a Comment