Tom and I have often had the discussion about how we don't understand it when people our age say "nope, that's it, I don't want any more kids". Not like we're going to have fifteen kids or anything, but even though we have three we just feel like it would be weird to say that we were done with all things baby. I guess we're just not ready to give that up. It just seems so... final, or something. Even on the craziest, most annoying days, I've never said "no more kids." (I frequently complain that I have too many kids, but since I can't exactly undo that I might as well keep on.) I don't know how to explain it, except to say that I've never really understood how people, women especially, feel when they're ready to close that chapter in their lives.
Until very recently, that is.
I had my kids so close together that for the last four years, I have constantly been changing diapers, nursing, weaning, dressing little ones, putting on shoes, feeding them, brushing their teeth, making sure I bring sippy cups because they couldn't drink out of regular cups, trying to remember a stocked diaper bag wherever I went, buckling into carseats, unbuckling when we get there, loading little ones into carts because they couldn't walk alongside at the store... I've never had a break from any of those things, and after a while I forgot what it was like not to have to worry about all of it. But now, after two long years of struggle with Jacob, and a mere three months with Brynn, I have two, count 'em TWO potty trained children. It is a ginormous milestone, because even when kids can do other things for themselves the diaper situation is a big annoyance. And once we jumped that ridiculously huge hurdle I began to realize all the other things that Jake and Bean can do for themselves. Picture me gleefully crossing off most of the things I just mentioned. Of course I still have to take care of little Nonah (we do call her Nonah, that wasn't a typo), but even she is crawling, sitting up, standing, and feeding herself fairly well. It feels pretty amazing to have kids that can dress themselves in the morning, go to the bathroom when they need to, entertain themselves, or let themselves out the back door if they want to go out. I can take a nine minute shower now instead of a seven minute one, because they occupy themselves by torturing each other instead of me. These newly amazing and grown-up kids can also speak in real words, telling me what they want (or don't want) without me having to try and figure it out. In a short period of time, I feel like I've gone from having three babies to just having one. It means I enjoy Norah much more, and appreciate the older ones as being older (instead of just appreciating them as... mine.)
When I see people with newborns, I don't feel all envious and wistful. I feel thankful that it's not me. And now, as Norah herself is becoming more independent, I am not sad that the baby things are going away again. No, I'm thinking ahead to what it might be like to not change diapers at all... to have three functional children... and it is very tempting. I'm not saying I'm done having kids by any means. I would love to have another boy, and even would accept another girl, if I had to. But this new feeling of freedom has definitely made the case for spacing out babies, and finally given me the ability to empathize (and agree) when I hear someone say, "no way, no more babies". Yes, I'm in the loop now. I just want to take a couple of years, enjoy Norah being the youngest, take a break from infant things, and then enjoy the next one that comes along. Years from now. Because as it turns out, not having three babies is a beautiful thing.
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