The feud in my head with the neighbor I've never met

This story, while it may seem odd, is pretty typical of me. Here goes...

So, a few months ago, these people moved in across the street. Of course I was curious about the new neighbors, so as they supervised the movers I watched out the window. The first thing I noticed was the person who was apparently moving into the house-- I couldn't actually tell if it was a man or woman. It was wearing a baseball cap, sweatshirt, and jeans. It had a masculine vibe to it, but sort of a womanish body... or maybe just an unfortunately shaped man. The walk was typical of a dumpy shaped person, maybe slightly feminine, but not enough to determine gender. So I called Tom in and asked him what he thought. He wasn't sure either. Eventually, we determined that it was a woman. This was pretty much because the other people over there were a man and two kids, so it was more process of elimination than anything else.

The next thing I noticed about this person (I guess we'll call her a lady, but picture me making a doubtful face) was that she was not just supervising the movers. I mean, you're supposed to watch them to make sure they aren't throwing your stuff around or anything, but you can do this even from a distance greater than three feet. Really, you can. But this chick was right there, in their faces, and with every box or piece of furniture that came off the truck, she was stopping them and asking questions. Seriously, I bet they could have been done in about half the time it actually took them, because she was holding up the process to an insane degree. Here is where my petty nature begins to surface... I find people like this annoying, and so the buds of dislike for this lady start to pop up.

Ok, so she's dumpy and possibly annoying... but it's not like we have to hang out, so for the next few weeks there's no big deal. Well, except for the fact that every time I see her, she's wearing a baseball cap. I have no problem with a woman wearing a baseball cap, in certain circumstances. I will list them here:
1. You are having a mega bad hair day.
2. It's raining and you have to do something outside (like walk the dog).
3. You are actually going to a baseball game.
And so, the second strike against this woman is that she wears a baseball cap ALWAYS. I do not care for this. Also, she has a tattoo on her back right at the base of her neck. It is ugly and tacky. I have problems with tacky tats, as you may know. Strike 2.5.

Now we have to take a minute to sidetrack. Because most mornings it's kind of chilly out, I drive Jake the four blocks to the bus stop. There's a few other moms that do this every day, and each of us parks in the same spot every day. So, everyone has their spot, and has for a few months. SAME SPOT EVERY DAY. Ok, back to the story.

Enter Dumpy McBaseballcap. She shows up on the bus stop parking scene and parks in a spot across the street from where I park. It's a spot that was previously unoccupied and has good access to the bus stop. No problem there. But, strike three against her is that she sits with her kid in the car, smoking. I apologize to anyone that this offends, but that is not cool. She is also constantly on the phone. Who does this woman have to talk to every morning at 7:55am? These are fuel for my (crazy irrational) fire.

After a few weeks, probably about three weeks, of sitting across the street from this woman thinking about how disliking her is probably a huge waste of time even though waiting for the bus is boring anyway, I pull up one morning to find that out of nowhere, this woman has taken my spot. Yeah, that's right, she parked in my spot. Not only that, but the stretch where I park is easily big enough for two cars-- unless you're a huge douche and you park right in the middle. Which she did. This totally threw off my groove-- what was I supposed to do? Although I was not happy, I found another spot and hoped for better things the next day. Oh no. The next day, she was in my spot again. So I pulled in behind her, inching up kind of close so that I wasn't hanging out into the cross street. After all, this was my spot! I've been parking there since before her fat ass showed up! I'm reclaiming my space, she's not pushing me out of it!

After a few days, although she did not vacate my spot, she did pull up enough that I could fit behind her. I still felt like this was a deliberate offense. I mean, it's not like her first day in the neighborhood she parked there not knowing that it's where I park. No no, she had a few weeks to see where everyone parks, every day, and then poached my spot! Not only this, but since we now face the same direction and she is parked in front of me, I have to follow her down the street and around the corner back to our street. And I start to notice that she is driving very, very slowly. At first she drove at a normal speed. Then, after week or so, she starts driving home at like 10 miles an hour. This cannot be in my head. It's like she's penalizing me for hugging her fat smoky bumper.

So, as I came back from the bus stop each morning and relayed this saga to Tom, he informed me that I was ridiculous, petty, and kind of crazy. And that this was all in my head. Which, when you examine the evidence, it might be... but still, what if it's not? I mean, the 10 mph thing? Very suspish.

After a few weeks of having to park behind this so-called 'lady', there have been a few more developments. First, I did see her one day without the baseball cap. She looks pretty much like Liza Minelli. Not even thirty years ago Liza Minelli. Definitely the now Liza Minelli. I guess that's just unfortunate. Also, I had a chance to meet her kid (he appears to be about 7.) Remember the neighbor kid in Home Alone who asks all the nonstop questions and pisses off the van drivers? THAT IS THIS KID!

Second... yesterday, she parked in her old spot, the one across the street. I thought, cool beans, I've got my spot back (and, I should confess, I douchily parked right in the middle as if to say, "this is my spot!") However, and I'm not exaggerating or making this up, she sat there and stared at me until the bus showed up. I stared back for a while, but she was sort of scaring me. Why was she staring? Does she know I have a feud in my head with her? Tom really is past the point of saying much, he just kind of looked at me like a was a nut case. And maybe I am. But this morning, she was back in my spot again. The feud will continue...